I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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