i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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