Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
