Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
