Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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