If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
