life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My bed smells like the plague
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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