Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
