I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
