i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize