I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
