if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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