so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
