Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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