oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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