if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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