WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
