I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
