I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
