How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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