worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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