I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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