Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
