the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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