He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
