I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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