She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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