he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
worst night to have a conscience
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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