Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
