yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
we should paint friendship bongs
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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