I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
