As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
