just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
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