Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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