he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
