Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
