my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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