The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
