i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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