Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
