so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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