fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
