last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
