three words: i give head
three words: not that well
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
