I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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