I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
