Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
