so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
