He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Girls should come with a carfax report
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
