i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I don't deserve a penis
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
