Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
