Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize