my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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